One of the reasons I wanted to get this site running was to collect some of my work in one place. The problem with writing is that I tend to lose track of 99% of it while in reality only 98% is truly forgettable. I’ve run or contributed to dozens of websites and trying to remember, let alone find copies of, it all can be daunting.

I figured I’d start with FacebookTalk.com. I started it in September … 2006? I have no idea. It was when Facebook rolled out the infamous “newsfeed” that everybody hated for a few days before forgetting all about. That’s when the media also took notice of Facebook and since so many people were angry, that’s all they talked about. I thought the furor and subsequent news coverage was not only stupid, but funny, so I slapped together a site and started writing.

It didn’t take long for me to get bored. Seriously, how long can you talk about Facebook before wanting to bash in your face? Exactly. Now try running an entire website dedicated to it.

I abandoned the site (partially to put more time into HIF) and figured that was that. A few months later I noticed I had a ton of email in my FBT inbox. It was all crap like “how do I change my password?” or “how can I read my girlfriend’s private messages?” Turns out that, by some crazy fluke, my site was the first Google result for “contact Facebook.”

What resulted was a series of back and forths where I made fun of people who couldn’t read that my site had no affiliation with Facebook. The jokes themselves aren’t all gold (though I still cackle at the race car bed exchange). However the series always held a special place in my heart because it was the first stuff I’d written that got attention by other blogs and that turned into a paying gig (National Lampoon bought the site).

And remember, FacebookTalk looked nothing like Facebook and had giant text saying not to contact me for Facebook tech support.

Facebook Idiot #1

Jagir: Hello my name is Jagir. my msn account and facebook account has been hacked into. I cannot get access to it. I cannot email you from my original msn account because I have not got access to it. Someone is signing onto my facebook account on a regular basis and I would like you to take me off facebook or change my password and send my temporary email adress the new one. The preffered outcome is the second. You may email me back for additional questions to confirm it is realy me, or ask for my home adress which you can write to and I will write back. This is a big problem as it is causing stress to my relationship with my girlfriend who is for obvious reasons also upset about this. Please act asap. Thanks

Goob: Pick better passwords.

Jagir: Is that the advice you’re seriously giving me because it sounds as if you’re mocking me.

Goob: Your keen sense of detecting sarcasm should be taught to schoolchildren world wide.

Jagir: LOOK, I AM NOT SEEKING COMMENTS. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT CAN DONE ABOUT THIS, DO YOUR JOB…THE THING YOU GET PAID GOOD MONEY FOR AND HELP ME OUT.

Goob: I don’t get paid that much money, unfortunately. Congratulations on
discovering the caps lock key though!

Jagir: LOL UR FUNNY LOVE YOU TOO…and dont come back with a comment about homosexuality because you’re talking to a girl. Dont email back at all, just wanted to tel u ur a wank stain, hope u go to hell

Goob: Thank you for reminding me how awesome it is to be me.

I’m not quite sure where the homosexuality comment came from seeing as how I didn’t once call into question her sexual preference. Perhaps a certain somebody is a little insecure?!

Facebook Idiot #2

Stela: I have a question related to an application that was available on facebook. You guys used to have an application where we can post furniture for sale, or make an add stating that we are selling something. Is it still available and if yes, where can I find it?

Goob: I’ve actually got some furniture for sale as well if you’re interested. Some people say adults shouldn’t sleep in racecar beds, but to them I say VROOM VROOM VROOOOOM!!

Stela: So how do I put an add on facebook stating that i want to sell my furniture?

Facebook Idiot #3

Laurie: I can not get onto facebook. Its telling me that Javascript is not enabled, but it is. I have done the steps to check it, and I can’t get facebook to come up.

Goob: You could always buy a new computer, that’s what I do whenever I get a weird error like that.

Laurie: Are you serious with that answer? I thought that site was professinal help with facebook issues. Is it not? Pretty irritated with that answer. I’m not the only one with this issue.

Goob: What wasn’t professional about my answer? I’m serious, a new computer would totally solve your problem. It doesn’t have to be a new Mac or expensive one, just an off the shelf computer from any bulk electronic store. Unless it didn’t come pre-installed with javascript. Then you’d be screwed AND out a few hundred dollars. Hmmm, it’s a tough call

Laurie: This is a facebook problem, not my computer problem. There are a lot of people with the very same issue. The problem doesn’t have anything to do with having Javascript. I’ve checked many times, and everything is enabled, and I’ve dumped the cookies, and temporary folders. Has this been reported to facebook? It needs to be.

Goob: Oh, don’t worry, my advice on buying a new computer isn’t limited to just you! Everybody else out there who is having the same problem is also free to buy a new computer as well. It should help them just as much as it helps you.

You know, if buying a new computer is out of the question for you, then perhaps you should try magic. I hear it’s pretty powerful and with the right incantations, you can make anything happen! So far I’ve only been able to cast an anti-rabid penguin spell, but I’m starting to think it’s success has to do with me not living near any wild penguins. I guess you could say I’m still pretty new to this.”

Laurie: Goob, you’re an ass.

Facebook Idiot #4

Dan: our son notified us from college that someone posted a slanderous facebook using his name and does not know who did it and would like to get it removed. what does he need to do?

Goob: What does he need to do? Stop being a pussy? The boy’s in college now! Tell him to stop whining, go chase some hot tail, and quite moaning to mommy and daddy all the time.

Dan: I think maybe you’ll be on the evening news tomorrow night and maybe get a call from my attorney. Are you not facebook management?

a few minutes later, he sent this…

Dan: Since your so stupid, I hope you have money also. My attorney’s will have a hey day with this. There whole business is eating guys like you for lunch. Your website will be shut down shortly for impersonating facebook help. As I go through your God forsaken site I’m obviously not the only one who fell for your lunacy.

Goob: Notice the part on my contact page that says if you need any Facebook help, then you need to contact Facebook? Yeah, that’s pretty cool, especially how it’s bolded to make it stand out against everything else on the page! The numerous posts I’ve made on the front page saying I don’t work for Facebook and the page wide footer bar saying FacebookTalk is in no way associated with Facebook are also quite unclear to people. If by “people” I meant “idiots.”

Also, you attorney’s what is going to have a hey day with this? What do they own that is going to enjoy my e-mails? Their sense of humor? Also, do you mean “their” whole business? You know, on second thought, I’m guessing your kid is as slow as you are. Which means he’s probably at community college, if that. In other words, there probably aren’t any hot girls nearby and I should go ahead and send him my old McDonald’s uniform!

See what I did there? I implied your son will be working at McDonald’s soon. I wasn’t sure if that was clear enough or not. Never can be too sure!

Dan: My guess is calling yourself GOOB says it all

Goob: Oooooh, that was a pretty good zing. I like how you capitalized my nickname just to make it stand out, as if I might not understand the thinly veiled insult. I think you’re about ready to step up the the big-boy leagues and try out a few yo mamma jokes!

Suffice to say my hey day never came.

Facebook Idiot #5

Jen: hi there, i need to have an email restored that was in my inbox and sent folder. can you please tell me how this can be done.

Goob: Invent a time machine?

Jen: there’s no server it’s stored on for a short time?

Goob: There is. Only catch is it exists in the 1950s and wants to take your mom to the school dance. Make sure you wear Calvin Klein underwear when you go!

Jen: you are an asshole…shows who facebook puts their trust in…

Facebook Idiot #6

Julia: I’ve been unsuccessful in finding out how to block myself from seeing the profile page of one of my friends. I don’t want to add him to my blocked list, because I want him to still be able to see my page…I just want to block myself from seeing his. Any ideas on how I would accomplish this?

Goob: Hold on, you want to block yourself from seeing his page? Wow. Okay. How about just not going to his page anymore? It’s called willpower.

Jen: Wow. Okay. You’re a genius.

How are people like this still allowed on the Internet? Shouldn’t evolution have taken care of them by now?

Facebook Idiot #7

Oliver: I am writing to request the removal of Mike Gorst’s video, “attack on bert, round 3″. i have contacted Mike Gorst with no luck and i feel that this video is bullying and has affected me since its publication on facebook. this video is not what facebook is about and is pure bullying.

I expect this to be carried out as as soon as possible, or this matter will have to be taken further. thanks

Goob: Go ahead and take it further. How much further can we go? 10 feet? A mile? To the MOON?!? I call dibs on the cheese.

Oliver: thanks for the help.

Facebook Idiot #8

Andrew: i demand to know why you disabled my account.as we speak i am getting my lawyer to file a claim against your company.to avoid this please let me in my facebook. you have no right

I absolutely LOVE people who act as if having a Facebook account is a right guaranteed to them in the Constitution. These are the type of people who can’t name all three branches of the government and only know Iraq as something they’d say at the local pool hall.

I’d fear a lawyer from a person like this about as much as I’d respect a doctor with a degree from Phoenix University. He’d be on my Scared List right between a sunflower and a giggling baby.

Facebook Idiot #9

Alistair *who was using a UK police email address*: I need to talk to someone regarding copying of facebook personal details and sending false message by public electronic communication network to cause annoyance / inconvenience / anxiety.

This has occured to both myself and my ex wife causing us both unnecessary stress on our realtanship. We have a young baby and these messages are making reference to things only very few people know about.

This person is on facebook under two different names and attempts to have themn thrown off by yourself have proved unsucessful. I am aware the task is very difficult but i dont want to have to make an offical complaint that gets investigated if you are able to help me first.

Goob: You know, for a police officer, you’re kind of stupid. No wonder they don’t allow you guys to carry guns over there.

Auto-response: This message was created automatically by mail delivery software. A message that you sent could not be delivered to one or more of its recipients. This is a permanent error. The mail server could not deliver mail to ***. The account or domain may not exist, they may be blacklisted, or missing the proper dns entries.

*clap, clap, clap* – Let this be a lesson to anybody thinking of traveling or moving to England. If you do, pray that you’re never a victim of any crime, because it’ll never be solved.

Of course, I included the idiots name in the original post, which quickly rose to the top spot on Google. That lead to…

Facebook Idiot #10

Fred: Ok,so you don’t work for Facebook, but getting your kicks out of coming up with a similar name and ridiculing people who use the website and are being abused must be hilarous-aren’t you clever!!!

Slagging someone off and putting personal information about them i.e their mobile phone number on a website then tagging it to come top in a search engine when they work for the English police force might not be so clever after all- will enjoy taking you to court !

Goob: You’re gonna take me to court? Like on a date? Sweet, when can we go?

Oh God, I don’t have anything to wear though. You gotta look fine for a date! Is this even a date? If he holds the door open for me and lets me walk through the metal detector first, then it’s totally a date. I wonder how far I should go. Oh man, what if he wants to go all the way?! I’m not even gay, what’ll I do?! Ok, set some boundaries, Goob. I’ll hold hands, that’s cool. Maybe even a little tongue action, but THAT’S IT! Crap, WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR?!

….Oh, you’re still here? Sorry about that. I didn’t realize I was typing out my internal monologue. Geez, I’m not clever at all!

Auto-responseError: This message was created automatically by mail delivery software. A message that you sent could not be delivered to one or more of its recipients. This is a permanent error.

Wow. Sending an anonymous e-mail filled with threats and insults and then using a fake e-mail so that criticism cannot be retorted. What courage!

Next on “Fred’s” agenda is punching a puppy for looking at him followed by kicking a small child and throwing his ice cream cone to the ground. Why? Who cares, Mr. Big Man Fred does whatever he wants!

Facebook Idiot #11

I posted the following one for three reasons: Greg was a good sport, he padded my ego, and I worked in a joke about punching somebody in the crotch. That’s what I call the Trifecta.

Greg: My roommate sayd he put me down as head of a network and now when I sign on under my name and password a totally different account comes up. The thing is I’m still getting emails about friend requests and messages. I was hoping I could speak with someone that could straighten everything out so my account is back to normal. Thanks!

Goob: Greg, I’ve got just the solution for you. Grab a baseball bat, introduce it to your roommates crotch, and demand he fix whatever he screwed up in the first place.

This solution also works for finding out who drank the last of your milk, convincing him to pay up for last month’s share of the electricity bill, and making any random Tuesday entertaining.

Greg: Your a funny guy Goob. I glanced at your site and some of these people are pretty stupid. Anyways, if you have any other suggestions that may actually be helpful let me know. Otherwise…keep up the good work. Thanks man!!

Facebook Idiot #12

Carey: DON’T KNOW HOW TO CONTACT TECH SUPPORT!!! COULD YOU PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT THERE E-MAIL IS, OR FOWRWARD THIS MESSAGE TO THEM,THANKS:

WHY DID YOU DISABLE MY ACCOUNT?????? This link is the only way I could find to communicate with you….My name IS Carey!!!!!!! My phone # is *****….Contact me ASAP….You’re basically accusing me of identitiy theft…If you don’t either call me, or reinstate my account….I’m going to sue you for false accusation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you want me to fax, or provide proof of photo identification – I can…..How did you come to think the name I used was a fake?????? You should be more careful where you get your info!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If I don’t get a phone call, or an e-mail stating my account has been reinstated by July 18, 2008…I will proceed with legal lawsiut againt facebook for false accusation!!!!!

Goob: No, I will not forward your e-mail to Facebook. Instead, I will make fun of you.

So you’re going to sue Facebook for false accusations? Oh man, let me know how to turns out for you. That makes about as much sense as me suing you for false intelligence. What does that mean? Who the hell knows, but I can tell you I wouldn’t win a damn thing.

Carey: Sorry about the outburst…was just pissed off. Maybe, then, you can just tell me, why they deactivated my account without attempting to verify my identity by contacting me first???? I would think they would at least attempt to contact me!!!

Goob: There are what, a bazillion people on Facebook? I’m sure they deactivate thousands of accounts every day. They could care less about verifying your information. Create a new account and start all over, because no matter how long you wait or e-mails you send, that old account of yours is never coming back.

Carey: And, can you tell me who I can contact about my account deactivation…an e-mail, or something???

later that day…

Carey: OK – but is there anyway to guarantee they won’t deactivate my account again if I re-open using the same e-mail address?? I’m sure there’s probably some sort of flag on it, or something. Because it took quite a bit of time to get the friends list that I had together. And, would appreciate it if you didn’t out me on the idot posts, seen as how I am a real person.

Goob: Trust me, everybody on the Facebook Idiots page is a real person. That’s half of the appeal.

Two weeks pass and our e-mail exchange stops. Since the bear-sized Carey had shown a small smidgen of remorse, I decided not to post this. Then out of the blue, I get this…

Carey: Hey “GOOB” Guess what!!! they reactivated my account….goes to show what you know don’t it!!! The Facebook support lady was real nice – they actually use their real names. I reported your unprofessional remarks to them as well, and recommended to them that they keep a close eye on people like you, who are claiming to represent their site, and are doing so very unprofesionally. Put that on your idiot posts, you knob!!!!!

Your wish is my command.