Goob Is Goofy

Hey Disney, don't sue me.

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I Still Haven’t Won A Lunch

I’ve been going through a bunch of older comedy from the 80s and 90s that I missed. I don’t know what the hell I did as a child. I had friends who adored Monty Pyton or SNL, others who traded burnt CDs of underground comedy like they were blocks of herion, and then there was me playing with Legos and on Super Nintendo. Oops.

Oh well. I tried my best to make up for it in college, where I finally discovered Mitch Hedberg. And that, my friends, is how you bluntly segue into the following quote I just found on his new website in honor of his memory.

Once, while being driven from the Atlanta airport to the hotel, our cab driver started talking shit. He was creeping towards a racist rant. We were still a ways away from the hotel when it dawned on us that he felt super okay with being a hateful weirdo.

Mitch leans forward, “Hey Man. Up here on the right is a deli that sells Boar’s Head Ham. Can you stop so we can grab something to eat?”

“Sure”

Mitch returned with THREE subs. No one spoke for the rest of the trip.

Lesson learned. It’s impossible to spew racist crap while eating a delicious sandwich.

Seriously, kids, don’t do drugs. Cause then I’ll start to like you, but you’ll die before I get a chance to meet you and, yes, it’s all about me in the longrun.

That’s Right

I’m a hero.

I’d actually stopped looking for it, but managed to spot it two weeks ago during the following brilliant segment.

Hickory smoke lady. Haha.

Why are they airing those names in the first place? For magic like this.

There’s nothing better than watching him break character. I would have done anything to be in the room when that was first pitched.

Don’t Worry, I Almost Don’t Care Either

I’m going to post 50 times over the next 50 days. Crap like this is the only thing that routinely gets me back in the habit of writing. So whatever I’m thinking about or doing over the next two-ish months, you’ll get a front row seat. I completely understand if you duck out after the first act to beat traffic.

And yes, this totally counts as today’s post.

Luckily There Are Some Cute Nurses

So I’ve got cancer.

Well, I’ve actually had cancer for nine months now. Ten months? I don’t know. Math was never my strong suit. You’d think I’d better remember when I first had surgery, but it’s baseball season. I’ve got more important things to keep track of.

Things didn’t get too serious until last month when, during a routine visit, my doctor said “so yeah, get ready for chemo. Your cancer is a little bitch.” I’m paraphrasing.

Thus began lots of chemotherapy. I’m four weeks in and luckily it’s one of those good cancers. Stage II Testicular Cancer is fairly curable, plus I get the bonus perk of talking about my junk with complete strangers. But I felt like I needed to say something, otherwise the jokes that are soon to follow on Twitter and Facebook might seem a little out of left field.

In the mean time, if you want to help out, say a few extra stupid jokes today in my name. Trust me, I can sense them.

Tumble On Down

When I started blogging, the platform of choice was called GreyMatter. Somewhere along the line I moved to MoveableType before eventually settling on WordPress. It’s been my blogging platform of choice for the past seven years, but now I can’t go ten feet without hearing about Tumblr.

I’m still debating if I want to stick with WordPress here or just take the dive into something new, but in the meantime I’m just going to post everything to this site and my Goob Is Goofy tumblr site. Because if there’s one thing I’m known for, it’s being able to eat an entire cake in 24 hours. Well, that, and for how accommodating I am.

Facebook Idiots

One of the reasons I wanted to get this site running was to collect some of my work in one place. The problem with writing is that I tend to lose track of 99% of it while in reality only 98% is truly forgettable. I’ve run or contributed to dozens of websites and trying to remember, let alone find copies of, it all can be daunting.

I figured I’d start with FacebookTalk.com. I started it in September … 2006? I have no idea. It was when Facebook rolled out the infamous “newsfeed” that everybody hated for a few days before forgetting all about. That’s when the media also took notice of Facebook and since so many people were angry, that’s all they talked about. I thought the furor and subsequent news coverage was not only stupid, but funny, so I slapped together a site and started writing.

It didn’t take long for me to get bored. Seriously, how long can you talk about Facebook before wanting to bash in your face? Exactly. Now try running an entire website dedicated to it.

I abandoned the site (partially to put more time into HIF) and figured that was that. A few months later I noticed I had a ton of email in my FBT inbox. It was all crap like “how do I change my password?” or “how can I read my girlfriend’s private messages?” Turns out that, by some crazy fluke, my site was the first Google result for “contact Facebook.”

What resulted was a series of back and forths where I made fun of people who couldn’t read that my site had no affiliation with Facebook. The jokes themselves aren’t all gold (though I still cackle at the race car bed exchange). However the series always held a special place in my heart because it was the first stuff I’d written that got attention by other blogs and that turned into a paying gig (National Lampoon bought the site).

And remember, FacebookTalk looked nothing like Facebook and had giant text saying not to contact me for Facebook tech support.

Read More

Drunk Ron Swanson

I can’t stop watching this.

The Comic Stylings of Brian Williams

Anyone who watches The Daily Show knows how funny NBC newsman Brian Williams is.

Told of Meyers’s appreciation for his “comic instrument,” Williams replies, “That’s odd. We’ve never belonged to a health club together.”

Well played.

Is It Hot Tea?

Every SNL Celebrity Jeopardy together on one page? Don’t mind if I do.

Rodrigo Rosenberg Knew That He Was About To Die

I’m almost ashamed to admit I knew nothing of the events exquisitely reported in this article.

As Rosenberg dug deeper into the subterranean world of Guatemalan politics, he told friends that he had begun receiving threats himself. One day, Mendizábal says, Rosenberg gave him a phone number to write down — it was the number that showed up on his caller I.D. when he received the threats.

Rosenberg told friends that his apartment was under surveillance, and that he was being followed. “Whenever he got into the car, he was looking over his shoulder,” his son Eduardo recalled. From his apartment window, Rosenberg could look across the street and see an office where Gustavo Alejos, President Colom’s private secretary, often worked. Rosenberg told Mendizábal that Alejos had called him and warned him to stop investigating the Musas’ murders, or else the same thing might happen to him. Speaking to Musa’s business manager, Rosenberg said of the powerful people he was investigating, “They are going to kill me.” He had a will drawn up.

Set aside 30 minutes and have a read. You won’t regret it.

[via Kottke]

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