Projects — No comments
30
Aug 10

Thirty Days Hath September

Growing up, the only day I looked forward to more than Christmas was my birthday. All the attention, presents, and densely packed sugar was hard not to love. I always thought my February birthday was perfect – there were no nearby major holidays and it was placed almost like a stepping stone between Christmas and Spring Break. From there you were weeks away from summer, then the family vacation, and suddenly it’s Halloween and the process is starting all over again.

My eldest brother did his best to pull a Jesus, but hung around in the womb just a few hours too long. I always felt he got gypped on the whole birthday experience. After weeks, if not months, of festivities leading up to Christmas, nobody was ever in their most chipper of moods come December 26. Plus the Present Department was always lacking for him. I can’t tell you how many times he got a Christmas/Birthday gift! How such an activity isn’t next to mutiny and treason in the law books has always baffled me.

However, 2009 brought with it a special event. His 21st birthday.

To say that there were many “flask opportunities” would be an understatement. I still question whether the photos from that evening weren’t doctored. I don’t have any recollection of the man resembling myself in them and I sure as hell don’t make it a habit of wearing as little as he was in the photos timestamped after 3am.

The first thing I noticed when I sobered up days later was a path of destruction rivaling anything Mother Nature could conjure. Cell phones smashed, clothes shredded, and a stack of receipts totaling Burundi’s GDP. I quickly surmised that a self-imposed punishment was in order.

From December 28 to February 6 I drank not a single drop of alcohol. I’ve never been a heavy drinker but at the same time I’ve always had a beer here, a whiskey there. Answering user e-mails from HIF is always easier with a scotch in one hand and who can attend an elementary school play without at least a few swigs from the flask?

At first, the experience was harder than I’d ever imagined. For the first two weeks, Happy Hour would roll around and I’d instinctively reach for a brew. There weren’t any physical pains, it wasn’t as if I went through withdrawal. But the simple act of consciously and repeatedly checking myself tested a part of my willpower that hasn’t had to work in a long time.

By the end of January, the urge to drink had evaporated entirely. I finally cracked a beer on my birthday as never drinking again hadn’t been the goal at all. However, I now drink barely half as much as previously and the experience left me curious as to what else I could give up for a month.

The list has grown to both things to give up and activities to do. So far I have:

Give Up

  • meat
  • talking
  • vehicles

Do

  • saying yes to everything
  • try a new thing a day
  • talk a one stranger per day
  • get in touch with one person per day
  • meditate

I know, not that inspiring so far. Of course, I’m open to suggestions *hint hint*. Mind you, I plan to blog the hell out of these activities, so help me come up with some events that are somewhat worthwhile, challenging, and interesting. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to partake in a bit of imbibing.

Random — No comments
30
Aug 10

I Admit It

Whenever an old friend comes out of the woodworks on Facebook, one of the first things I do is check to see if they’re a fan of HIF. I’m batting .000 so far.

Videos — No comments
30
Jul 10

The Diary of a Disappointed Book

I think the scenery and settings are what I like most about this short video. Just look at the awesome wooden table the dad has!

via Ze Frank

Funny — No comments
16
Jul 10

At Least The Rice Was Tasty

I’m still trying to decide if the fortune cookie I got yesterday was the best or worst I’ve ever received.

Side 1: “They fail, and they alone, who have not striven.”

Side 2: Learn Chinese – Gooseberry. Lucky Numbers – 2.

You don’t want to know what my brother and I first imagined a Gooseberry to be.

Random — 7 comments
11
Jul 10

I Need A Map To Find My Map

I recently ordered a wall map from Amazon.

It showed up on my doorstep yesterday, wrapped and ready to be hung.

However, it came in this box.

Well done, Amazon.

Funny / Online — No comments
08
Jul 10

People Forget About The Original Anyway

Don’t ever let “it’s been done before” stop you. Case in point? Don’t Even Reply. Within minutes of discovering the site, I had tears rolling down my face. Check out the top rated; my favorites are the Shaniqua Chronicles, Vintage Liquor, and Disguised Weapons.

This all reminds me of the fun I had with an old site of mine, Facebook Talk. I wish I had saved more of the emails before I sold the site as there were some gems. At least archive.org has a snapshot of the ones I posted, with this exchange being one of my favorites. Although, honestly, you can’t really beat the “VROOM VROOM VROOOOM!” one.

I think what I’m getting at here is that I miss making fun of people.

The Biz — 2 comments
23
May 10

It’s Easier Getting Your Pilot’s License

If you think about your favorite TV show, chances are its pilot sucked. I’d even wager that its first season paled in comparison to many of its latter. Seinfeld was famously almost canceled during its first season. The West Wing, winner of a bazillion awards, bumbled along throughout its rookie campaign. For every show you can think of that started out strong, I can name a dozen that fell flat on their face from Day 1.

When you think about it, it’s really not that hard to see why. There are so many parts in play, all of which are coming together for the first time, that the chance they fall in sync is nil at best. Show creators have to communicate the precise vision in their head (a surprisingly hard task). A group of random writers must flesh out not just characters, but at the minimum a seasonal story arc, all while finding the right tone and voice of the show. Actors struggle to get into the minds of their characters. Executives, always watching the bottom line, tinker and “suggest” plots and themes. All in all, it’s an effing mess.

Which is all the more reason why the first season of Lost is even better in retrospect. I watched the two hour premier last night and was blown away by not just how fast it jumps right into the mystery, but how quickly I began giving a shit about many of the characters. Why’s that old dude so creepy? What did the hot chick do to get arrested? And what the hell is up with that polar bear?

Sure, every season hasn’t been stellar. I remember throwing my hands up right around the time Jack was playing Peeping Tom on the security cameras and Eko was meeting the Smoke Monster. But for better or worse, they always managed to pull me back in. The one continuous trait that every season seemed to have was the amazing finales. What’s in the hatch? Will Desmond and Penny reunite? We have to go back!

When the writer’s strike happened a few years ago, a site called Why We Write cropped up where quasi-famous people published stories on what made them tick creatively. I wasn’t too impressed with most of the entries, but just as I was about to click elsewhere, I saw Damon Lindelof’s post. I’ve probably read it a million times since. For some reason, it finally struck home the notion that every book, every show, even every song I’ve ever loved were all created by some other person. The characters or plots or lyrics are theirs, not mine. If you truly respect their work, you’ll hand over your trust for a few hours, kick up your feet, and just go along for the ride.

I have no idea how the show will end tonight. I honestly don’t care. I like to think the old saying “it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey” applies to every aspect of my life and hot damn was this journey a hell of a ride. For that alone, I think Lindelof and Cuse have earned the right to end the show however they damn well please.

I guess that’s why I chose to write about a freaking TV show as my first post in over a year. While watching the pilot last night, I realized how similar it was to this site. I kind of know what I want it to be in my head, I’ve got to remember this isn’t an old character I played in the past, and there’s a hot chick in a bikini. No, wait, that’s part of another vision in my head.

I’m not going to hit a home run with every post. I’ll probably even piss you off from time to time. But I hope you stick with me and give me a chance to win you over, even if just for this first season. And if not, well, there’s always CSI Toledo. Or Dooce. I’ve kinda lost track of this metaphor.

Site News — 1 comment
23
May 10

Oh Boy

I have no idea how I stayed away from blogging for so long (14 months!) Meanwhile, fans of Shyzer are quietly muttering it wasn’t nearly long enough.

I’m still struggling to define what this site will become. So far the only vision I have is a more grown up version of Shyzer. If you think that means less cursing, vulgarity, and immaturity then you are sorely mistaken.

There are a million wheels in motion or balls in the air or whatever metaphor you prefer when referring at my life. From my job, to the start of a certainly doomed career in comedy, to the minute yet reliably funny details of my everyday life – I wanted a fresh vehicle to chronicle them all. Bored already? Sucks for you.